What Is It About Women and Attention?

[Officially Retired]

Damn, Tina and I have been together nearly 3 years, almost literally to the day, but instead of celebrating our 3 year anniversary we will soon be kissing each other goodbye

Her big complaint is the "lack of attention" I give her. She believes that when she comes home from work that we should be together, but I have so many things I am trying to do that I just can't sit there watching a movie and chatting about "her day." Tina takes care of severely disadvantaged children, and I have never once complained about "her" lack of attention when she has to work long shifts, or take a weekend day (that we would be spending together) and instead takes care of one of her client's kids that day ... and yet, when I am working on projects overtime at the house, she feels I am just "ignoring her."

Am I being insensitive or is she being unreasonable?

Not only have I been working hard on this site here, but I have a whole other photography site I am working on too (much like Flickr or Pbase), which if implemented and successful could bring in a goldmine ... but these things can never get finished unless I put in the time to finish them. I am not spending all of my time in bars chasing other women, I am not out cheating on her, nor am I just sitting around doing nothing ... I am trying to build something great for our future, but instead of support and understanding, I get "Boo-hoo, what about me?!"

When Thomas Edison stayed up all hours every night working on his projects, his wife brought him cookies and milk at 2am, and she'd stay up to talk about what he was doing. When Henry Ford was inventing the automobile, his wife was the one who came up with the idea that created the carburetor. What happened to women like that, women who supported their men--and were even a cornerstone to their success?

I love Tina, and she is a really sweet and wonderful gal in a lot of important ways, but giving me grief over things I am trying to build for our future is not one of them. She is an aspiring artist on the side, and if she were spending day and night creating works for a gallery, I sure wouldn't be standing there boo-hooing about the "lack of attention" for me. Hell, I'd be asking her if there was something I could get her to make her job easier, and I've got my own things to do to keep me busy.

The way I look at it is the woman in your life is either helping you make your way, or she is in your way, there is no inbetween.

Is this right, or am I just being insensitive?

Jack

[AmberLamps]

I'm surprised you don't know this already but the one thing with women is... They are always right! .. the sooner you learn that Jack the easier your life will be.

Seriously now, it sounds like you should take a break and spend some quality time together, how about this weekend you just down tools, grab your camera and both of you go off capturing pictures of the wildlife you both love so much.

[AlienInvasion]

Brother, you make MANY valid points! Now, without knowing her side--YES, there are always two sides...LOL--I can only say that before you make any rash decisions ask yourself: what would it be like to live WITHOUT her and, maybe, you might get closer to the answer you seek. Relationships, unfortunately, are like the international realm of politics...it's day by day...basically, the same two countries who are in bed with each other today, are bombing each other tommorow. The toughest part about a relationship is that compromises will be made, however, there is always that fine line where one either decides to sacrifice one's own happiness (in certain percentages) to make the other person happy, nonetheless, the big problem is recognizing when that sacrifice is at the cost of your OWN happiness. Most people get mad at me when I ask them: Do you love yourself more than her? Why, because this is what it takes to truly be honest when it comes to the sacrifices a relationship calls for! I truly hope it works out for you and communication can solve these issues for you, remember, this maybe a minor skirmish, perhaps it will blow over with diplomacy (communication), but remember when the deal is off...it's over, and sometimes with women...there is no turning back. It sounds like you are really happy with her, it's just at this moment both of your personal interests are conflicting...

And this is why we truly love are Dogs...unconditional love...without having to sacrifice our own happiness back to them. Imagine if all you needed to do was the clicking noise and the ol' clap of the hands to solve relationship issues with women...LMAO!

Best wishes!

[Officially Retired]

I'm surprised you don't know this already but the one thing with women is... They are always right! .. the sooner you learn that Jack the easier your life will be.

I remember once my mom bitched at my dad pretty bad over nothing, and my dad just kept doing what he was doing (didn't even look up at her). After she left I said to my dad, "Damn, how can you take kind of shit?" To which my dad responded, "That's just the way women are. I just ignore it, and pretty soon she'll apologize in her own way, by making a nice dinner or whatever" ... and he was right ... and they have been together for over 50 years

Seriously now, it sounds like you should take a break and spend some quality time together, how about this weekend you just down tools, grab your camera and both of you go off capturing pictures of the wildlife you both love so much.

I agree, that is the way it's supposed to be. Normally, we have at least an hour or two alone before we go to bed (to talk, read, or whatever) ... and then we shut off the phones, internet, etc. on Sundays and spend the whole day together exclusively ... but lately I have just been working.

Another problem, for her, is she has a 1-hour commute to her job, so it's 2 hours of her life driving back-and-forth every day, which is wearing on her (and which I completely understand). However, I am not willing to move into the city with 10 dogs--when I have 50 acres of beautiful country to live in, that is perfect for me and my dogs. So these are tough choices, but at the end of the day my goals and my dogs have to come first, and she is either being an asset in helping me keep these things alive, or she is being a liability and an impediment to them.

The thing about it is, in another month or so the intensive work will be accomplished ... and then, if everything goes even half-right, she won't have to work at all, and we will have more free time than ever to enjoy ourselves. But she just isn't giving me enough to finish the job. She has the same "right now" mentality that so many dogmen have about not wanting to give their pups enough time to mature.

As the saying goes, "Good things come to those who wait ..."

Jack

[Officially Retired]

Brother, you make MANY valid points! Now, without knowing her side--YES, there are always two sides...LOL--I can only say that before you make any rash decisions ask yourself: what would it be like to live WITHOUT her and, maybe, you might get closer to the answer you seek.

Actually, I am not the one making rash decisions, she is the one who has made the rash decision to move out and do her own thing, which may well be the best choice for her. I have to face the fact that this might really be the best move for her; just as I believe sticking to my guns and finishing my projects is the best move for me.

As for being alone, I lived alone for over over 10 years between the last really serious relationship and this one, and to be honest in many ways I prefer the simplicity of it. However, in other ways I will feel the loss, but again it is not my decision it is hers. I am just doing what I am doing; she is making the decision my lack of attention to her during this time is insufficient to meet her needs. I am fully aware that her point is valid for her, just as my point is valid for me. Again, tough choices.

Relationships, unfortunately, are like the international realm of politics...it's day by day...basically, the same two countries who are in bed with each other today, are bombing each other tommorow. The toughest part about a relationship is that compromises will be made, however, there is always that fine line where one either decides to sacrifice one's own happiness (in certain percentages) to make the other person happy, nonetheless, the big problem is recognizing when that sacrifice is at the cost of your OWN happiness. Most people get mad at me when I ask them: Do you love yourself more than her? Why, because this is what it takes to truly be honest when it comes to the sacrifices a relationship calls for!

You are absolutely right, and that is the problem in her eyes: my goals in life come first. Period. I would rather live my life without her (or anyone) than live my life with what I want to accomplish unfulfilled. I am willing to make compromises on minor details, but I would never in a million years compromise what I want to achieve just to make someone "happy," at the expense of my own. As with dogs, success in life has to do with selection, and I would rather her be behind me (rather than in my way), or I would rather select someone else as my spouse, who would be more understanding of the colossal amount of work I need to get done ... and how it will really pay dividends in the future.

I myself would never get in her way, if she were working really hard on a project. I would simply understand that "that's the way it has to be for now," and that both of our lives will be better off, when her project is complete.

I truly hope it works out for you and communication can solve these issues for you, remember, this maybe a minor skirmish, perhaps it will blow over with diplomacy (communication), but remember when the deal is off...it's over, and sometimes with women...there is no turning back. It sounds like you are really happy with her, it's just at this moment both of your personal interests are conflicting...

Well said. We have been really happy together, but she is just feeling unfulfilled during this intensive period. I understand and sympathize, but I am not changing anything ... because the long term value of what I am doing is too great. Quite frankly, while I do understand her point, I feel it is very immature and selfish ... and it also lacks long-term perspective. I feel she should understand the adage, "Sacrifice today so that tomorrow will be better than it ever has been."

And this is why we truly love are Dogs...unconditional love...without having to sacrifice our own happiness back to them. Imagine if all you needed to do was the clicking noise and the ol' clap of the hands to solve relationship issues with women...LMAO!
Best wishes!

LOL, so true, as the saying goes, "The later you come home, the happier your dogs are to see you."

Cheers,

Jack

[AlienInvasion]

I feel she should understand the adage, "Sacrifice today so that tomorrow will be better than it ever has been."

I think you summed it up perfectly with that quote because the sacrifice also has to fall on her lap too, funny thing is often we are asked to "Man up," and CLEARLY with the vision you possess along with all of your projectss you are seeking to better the future for both of you.

Well, as a last resort, you can try the old "datenight" BS that therapists always recommend, or just make the hard decision, and the sooner the better, sadly. Either way, as with death even, life goes on and time heals almost everything

Sometimes culling certain people out of our lives is the HARDEST thing to do, but unquestionably it sometimes MUST be done.

Again, wish you the best and much continued success!

[sinister]

how confident is she that you really love her? is she just "there" in your life or do you ever try to make her feel special?

[wrknapbt]

Jack while I hate to hear about this I do think you guys may want to have a sit down conversation about what you are doing and why you are doing it. But remember the voices must not be raised or no one should seemed controlled. Just open honest comms about the benefit of the work your doing for the both of you. I don't know her side but I will tell you that it sounds as if she has some issues with abandonment. If this is the case this is something you cannot fix for her she has to seek the help needed to get this issues out on the table and delt with. I think I told you before that on wednesday nights I run a mens group and we go over these issues every week. So you are not alone in this battle.

[R2L]

jack, iv never met a woman who was reasonable, lol.

i spend almost every day doing something with my last ex girlfriend. we been together for 2 years. i had promised her to watch a movie one day.. which we did at least 3/4 times a week. then a good friend of me who i had not seen a long time called me up and told me he was in town. so i told her i was going to visit him and we'd watch that movie tomorrow. well the biggest fight broke out with the most unimaginable accusations. ended up braking up that night.

you got a reason to be mad for? within 2 minutes she got a reason to mad at you and your point dont even matter no more
dont even try to argue with a woman when she's mad. of course its easy to shut her up. but that aint helping the situation either : )

iv got a tip for you. if she wants to leave you. think good what you want to tell her, do it one time. make sure you say everything you want to say. then let her think about that.
dont put any pressure on her, nor keep texting, calling her thinking to make things right. it will make things worse.

if you love something let it go if it comes back to you it's yours. if it doesn't it never was

this is rly true.

good luck

[Hushman]

R2L very well said!!!!