What Is It About Women and Attention?

[Hushman]

im actually having sum issues w/my wife as well.i just got hired on w/the utility company n we work ALOT of o.t. 14-16 hr days sum times n its hard to do family stuff when i am home cuz i am so damn tired.my wife gets very upset so we're trying to work it out.so far so good,but its very hard.then u add kids,n dogs to mix n it just makes things so much harded.good luck Jack hope it works out for u.

[scary]

Jack i may be incorrect but she should have known what she was getting into. You had all ready written and published a book by the time you all
meet. If she loves you she should stick it out while it's rough not just when it's all gravy.

[Officially Retired]

I think you summed it up perfectly with that quote because the sacrifice also has to fall on her lap too, funny thing is often we are asked to "Man up," and CLEARLY with the vision you possess along with all of your projectss you are seeking to better the future for both of you.

That is pretty much how I see it. No one ever achieved their goals in life watching TV and going out on the town all the time.

Well, as a last resort, you can try the old "datenight" BS that therapists always recommend, or just make the hard decision, and the sooner the better, sadly. Either way, as with death even, life goes on and time heals almost everything

She says she's going to come out on the weekends, but thinks I should come out to see her too on the weekends. I told her I will briefly, but I cannot leave all my dogs alone overnight. That is just not going to happen.

Sometimes culling certain people out of our lives is the HARDEST thing to do, but unquestionably it sometimes MUST be done.

And sometimes you have to just sit back and allow people to cull themselves from your life, if that is their decision.

Again, wish you the best and much continued success!

Thank you



____________________________________
____________________________________

how confident is she that you really love her? is she just "there" in your life or do you ever try to make her feel special?

Apparently, not very. She believes that my over-focus on these projects proves I don't love her enough, that "something else" is more important to me than she is. As the second question, I do plenty. Every piece of art equipment she's using I bought for her to help her achieve her goals. I tell her I appreciate her all the time, give her affection all the time, but it's not enough I guess.



____________________________________
____________________________________

Jack while I hate to hear about this I do think you guys may want to have a sit down conversation about what you are doing and why you are doing it. But remember the voices must not be raised or no one should seemed controlled. Just open honest comms about the benefit of the work your doing for the both of you.

I have done that with her at least 2 dozen times.

I told her before I began, and I have tried to reassure her multiple times throughout. But, after a complaint-fest last week, she just made a deposit on a new place and is fixing to move out.

I don't know her side but I will tell you that it sounds as if she has some issues with abandonment. If this is the case this is something you cannot fix for her she has to seek the help needed to get this issues out on the table and delt with.

You are a very perceptive man, sir, as IMO that is exactly what the problem is. She had a shitty childhood that involved constant abandonment. Her father left her mother, and her mother abandoned Tina to be raised by her grandparents. Her mother would tell her that she'd come see her on the weekend ... and Tina would wait all day and her mother would never show. And while living with her grandparents, Tina's grandfather abused her. All of this adds up to some pretty serious, pretty shitty stuff to happen to an innocent little girl.

She ran away and was on her own at 16 and got married at 20 and had a son. Even though her husband would cheat on her, wouldn't pay the light bill, and would abandon her days at a time, Tina stayed married for 20 years because she refused to abandon her own child, like she was abandoned, and she refused to have him come from a broken home, like she came from. When he turned 18, she immediate divorced her husband and that is when we met. After a month, she literally told me, "You're too good to be true, you're too good for me, I am damaged goods," so her opinion of herself is very low.

I told her this was pure bullshit, that she was the sweetest most caring woman I had ever met, and that she had many wonderful things to offer. I tried to tell her that she should never think of herself badly in any way, over the behavior of others in the past. This early psychological ruin she experienced is exactly why Tina is so fiercely involved with disadvantaged children. She works with the Guardian ad Litem on her own time, which protects abused children. She works with autistic children and those with cerebral palsy to try to give them constant love in her life.

She has a lot of amazingly creative, positive qualities about her ... and a truly awesome amount of love to give ... but nothing seems to overcome her basic feeling of inadequacy, not to mention her basic mistrust of men. (She often accuses me of trying to start new relationships online.) This basic mistrust of men has been ingrained in her since very early, and it really seems like there is no way to get it out of her. In the end, I think you are right, there is nothing I can do to fix it ... and in the end I think she was right: it's not that I am too good for her (hell, she is probably too good for me) ... but I really do think she may simply be "damaged goods" ... and the tragedy is, it is not her fault, and yet no amount of reassurance can seem to bring her out of it.

It seems like her needs for constant attention and reassurance are unfillable ... and that only when she's getting 100% attention is she happy ... and the reality of the situation is, I cannot give her this kind of undivided attention and get these colossal projects accomplished.

I think I told you before that on wednesday nights I run a mens group and we go over these issues every week. So you are not alone in this battle.

Thank you again, good sir. You sound like you would make a very good counselor/friend in that capacity.



____________________________________
____________________________________

jack, iv never met a woman who was reasonable, lol.
i spend almost every day doing something with my last ex girlfriend. we been together for 2 years. i had promised her to watch a movie one day.. which we did at least 3/4 times a week. then a good friend of me who i had not seen a long time called me up and told me he was in town. so i told her i was going to visit him and we'd watch that movie tomorrow. well the biggest fight broke out with the most unimaginable accusations. ended up braking up that night.
you got a reason to be mad for? within 2 minutes she got a reason to mad at you and your point dont even matter no more
dont even try to argue with a woman when she's mad. of course its easy to shut her up. but that aint helping the situation either : )
iv got a tip for you. if she wants to leave you. think good what you want to tell her, do it one time. make sure you say everything you want to say. then let her think about that.
dont put any pressure on her, nor keep texting, calling her thinking to make things right. it will make things worse.
if you love something let it go if it comes back to you it's yours. if it doesn't it never was
this is rly true.
good luck

That is pretty much what I have decided to do, is let her go.

I care about her greatly, but I am not "desperate" for her or anyone else. I don't want her to go, but yet I am not going to do backflips or beg her to stay either. Even though she had a terrible childhood, and has a lot of issues, the fact of the matter is she is an adult now and she has to make adult decisions. I have gone through all of these issues with her ... and I have told her not everyone is like that. My parents have been married for 52 years. No cheating ever. My two brothers are married for 25 and 16 years respectively. No cheating ever. My dad's sisters were married until their husbands died. No cheating ever. My mom's brother and sister were married until their spouses died, and only my aunt (non-related) cheated on my blood-related uncle. I told her that commitments really can last, if the people say what they mean and mean what they say ... but the belief has to be in there to the marrow of the bone.

At the end of the day, it is up to her to trust me, and to have faith in what I am doing ... because if she does then anything is possible ... but if she does not, then there is no point in taking another step forward together.

Jack

[Officially Retired]

im actually having sum issues w/my wife as well.i just got hired on w/the utility company n we work ALOT of o.t. 14-16 hr days sum times n its hard to do family stuff when i am home cuz i am so damn tired.my wife gets very upset so we're trying to work it out.so far so good,but its very hard.then u add kids,n dogs to mix n it just makes things so much harded.good luck Jack hope it works out for u.

I am sorry to hear you are going through something similar.

A man only has so much time to give, and so much he can do, and the reality is ... sometimes a man has to "go under" (and work his ass off) in order that he may "cross over" and put himself in a position where he no longer has to work. And a woman has to understand that IMO.




________________________________
________________________________

Jack i may be incorrect but she should have known what she was getting into. You had all ready written and published a book by the time you all
meet. If she loves you she should stick it out while it's rough not just when it's all gravy.

Well, when we first met, my books were done and I had a lot of extra money, so we pretty much just went out all the time and enjoyed ourselves. Then she decided she needed to work, and do something with her own life, and meanwhile the economy has been pretty hard on most folks. So sometimes you gotta go back to work to get yourself back into a real good spot again.

Part of me feels exactly like what you're describing, it's not all going to be a bed of roses and who needs a "fair weather friend" ... but part of me also feels really bad about some of the deeper issues, and really wants to help as best I can. I just think there's an unfillable void there, and I can't do what I need to do and give her the attention she wants. So some tough choices need to be made.

She also has her own needs to grow as a person and artist, and she feels the art community in the city is going to open more doors for her, and she is probably right about that. Again, tough choices. It's not just a matter of staying true to myself, if I really love her I have to be willing to let her do what she feels is best for her own goals and career.

I don't want to compromise my own goals ... and I don't want to be troubled with arguments and emotional chaos all the time ... nor do I want to be mad or bitter at her decisions to leave either. Ultimately, I think it's just better to let someone do what their heart tells them to do, and just wish them well with the path they have chosen. Because I sincerely do wish her well, and I sincerely do hope she achieves her goals.

I just would have preferred that we both be able to do accomplish our goals together, but if that's not the way it works out, it is better to accomplish the things you really want to, alone, than not at all. Things may work out again later ... and there are also other women who might be more in tuned with my lifestyle out in the country ... and she may very well meet another man who gives her the undivided attention she needs.

Only time will tell,

Jack

[evolutionkennels]

From the movie, "AS GOOD AS IT GETS": "How do you write women so well?", reply,"I JUST THINK OF A MAN, AND TAKE AWAY ALL REASON AND ACCOUNTABILITY."

[scary]

Well jack they say time heals all imo it doesn't heal all it just gives you enough space to cope. Jack i wish i could help you the way you have me threw this learing experience. But all i can give is advice and a shoulder to lean on at any time you feel you need someone to talk to or just listen just email me jack and I'll send you my number. Because i have nothing but the utmost respect for you jack. So how ever i can help please let me know!

[Abe]

I didn't read the whole thread but in response to your first post. Times have changed and woman believe and look at relationships differnt then those time by far. Cant even compare the two. Now as for if u should take her shot and back down and give her more time, he'll yes u should do u really thing u will find another single attractive bulldog lovin woman that checks all the things that u can't see from a forum. Everyone has short coming and faults that sounds like a pretty reasonable fault to me ! Atleast she ain't gone crazy on you over it or fuck your buddy sayin u don't pay enough attention to me ! Keeper man she is a good woman the way you always refer to her ! Single sucks ass not many good single woman left !!!!!

[Officially Retired]

Well jack they say time heals all imo it doesn't heal all it just gives you enough space to cope. Jack i wish i could help you the way you have me threw this learing experience. But all i can give is advice and a shoulder to lean on at any time you feel you need someone to talk to or just listen just email me jack and I'll send you my number. Because i have nothing but the utmost respect for you jack. So how ever i can help please let me know!

Thank you for your nice offer and you kind words, they're very much appreciated.



______________________________________
______________________________________

I didn't read the whole thread but in response to your first post. Times have changed and woman believe and look at relationships differnt then those time by far. Cant even compare the two. Now as for if u should take her shot and back down and give her more time, he'll yes u should do u really thing u will find another single attractive bulldog lovin woman that checks all the things that u can't see from a forum. Everyone has short coming and faults that sounds like a pretty reasonable fault to me ! Atleast she ain't gone crazy on you over it or fuck your buddy sayin u don't pay enough attention to me ! Keeper man she is a good woman the way you always refer to her ! Single sucks ass not many good single woman left !!!!!

I agree, her need for more attention is reasonable, if this was an ongoing problem; however, I find it a bit unreasonable given the volume of work I have to do and the long-term benefits of it, once completed. It already takes me all day to care for the dogs, get my products/orders handled, keep the yard straight (it takes 6 hours just to mow the lawn here, let alone tend to the garden), etc., and when adding the amount of work that needs to be done to construct two massive websites and databases, this just ain't gonna get done watching TV and snuggling-up on the couch. It takes A LOT of effort above and beyond a normal day's work, and she just needs to come to terms with this fact, or I guess do what she's doing and refuse to accept it. As far as that other stuff, she is a good woman and a good person and wouldn't stoop to a low level like that. I wouldn't even waste my time with someone like that. The issue here is the maturity to accept a period of "down time" in our relationship while I try to build some monuments ... which, once completed, will only enable us to enjoy our relationship all the more.

Jack

[Abe]

I know better then to think someone that has the pride of u would settle for a woman that was that type I was referring to the fact that she is so much better then 95% of woman in this world that would stoop to those levels !!!

[ScratchAndGO]

Jack,
First let me say sorry for the situation with your loved one. I am dealing with a very similar shit storm myself. I am at a point where I am starting to feel the same way you do in regards to being on the same team(help me or you are in the way statement). If you are on the same team you have a common goal and should help each other as a TEAM to achieve that goal. If you have not written your goals and expectation of/from your relationship down before I encourage you to. Ask her to write down what her relationship goals are and how does she plan to achieve those goals. Does she want to get married and have little Jacksters running around, buy a new car, add on to the house... What ever the scenario simply ask her how she plans to achieve those goals. If you two do not have the same goals and the same route to achieve those goals then you are correct in your statement that she may be in your way. I am in no way indicating that is my belief because I simply have no opinion in regards to that part. Being on the same page pertaining to goals I feel is a very monumental part of a relationship. If an individual doesn't want the same things out of life as his/her partner does.... They may have a very rough row to hoe... JMO

I wish you luck in finding quick resolution to your problems.

Eric